An Interview with
by RoseUK
Summary: This is very much an experiment, so I'm a little nervous about posting...! Mainly because it's all very, *very* silly. If you don't like talking animals/inanimate objects, I would advise that you stop reading here. Otherwise, please meet the uncredited yet utterly integral 'cast' of The Mentalist.
1. Chapter 1

**I'm not sure how this will be received! It's not the most mature of writings... ;) I don't own any Mentalist-related stuff. **

**An Interview with... the Pigeon**

Best recognised for his break-out role on CBS's crime-fighting drama series The Mentalist, we talk to pigeon-turned-actor The Pigeon about his appearance in one of the most hotly anticipated showdowns in TV history.

**Interviewer**: You make your acting debut in "Red John", the episode in which Patrick Jane finally meets his nemesis Red John. I mean, that had to be something.

**Pigeon**: Oh, definitely. I still can't believe it! It was such an amazing privilege to be part of such a crucial and pivotal scene, especially for a novice pigeon such as myself. Sometimes I have to pinch myself! [Pecks at self]

**Interviewer**: Tell us about the creative difficulties you faced in bringing your scenes to life.

**Pigeon**: Well, you know, it was actually pretty hard. First there was the challenge of remaining still and quiet whilst inside Simon's jacket pocket. To start with, I really had to fight the urge to coo at him [lovingly]. However, the darkness and quietude of his pocket was very alluring – I mean, it's a technique used to make parrots shut their beaks – so I am embarrassed to tell you that I fell asleep on the first take!

**Interviewer**: No!

**Pigeon**: [covers face with wing] Yes! It was mortifying. When my cue came [Simon throwing him into Xander's face], I was so dazed I made straight for the nearest roof and, er, had a small accident on the way. But, you know, Simon and Xander were amazing about it.

**Interviewer**: Well, we thought you were great. You really brought the role of 'magician's pigeon' to life. We sensed that you invested a great deal of emotion into the part.

**Pigeon**: [shuffles feet] Oh, thank you so much. Yes, when I flew into Xander's face, the whole time I was thinking: "Am I going in the right direction?", "Am I projecting enough 'shock' here?" "Am I making it believable enough?"

**Interviewer**: You certainly did that. How did you get the part?

**Pigeon**: Well, I'd been an extra in some previous episodes [alarming Xander in "Wedding in Red"] and, I don't know, it just all went from there. I guess the director liked my work! [Coos]

**Interviewer**: You've gained a whole new following in the fandom now. How does that feel?

**Pigeon**: To be serious for a second, I really feel like I've helped to pave the way for pigeons in movies. When you are consistently regarded as rats with wings, despised as vermin, have to struggle for each mouthful, and generally get kicked and flapped at all day long, particularly by children, you kind of develop self-esteem issues. You feel like you're never going to get anywhere in life. I always say that I did this for my cousin Reginald. He lost his toes in a ledge accident in 2004 and he's my hero. I got him on as an extra in that episode, and he had an absolute blast. [Reginald is one of the pigeons being fed by Jane in the park] I'm a strong advocate of Pigeons' Rights and I hope to use whatever influence I've gained to work more closely with disadvantaged pigeons in the future.

**Interviewer**: Good luck! And finally, how was it working with Simon, Robin and Xander?

**Pigeon**: Oh, acting with Simon has been a dream. He fed me some seeds at the end. I loved every moment of it.

**Interviewer**: Pigeon, it's been a pleasure. Thanks for talking with us.

**Pigeon**: [Coos]

**Thank you for reading!**


	2. Chapter 2: An Interview with the Vest

_**Many thanks for all the positive feedback! So here's another one for you… You'll just have to go with it - don't worry: I am, despite hints to the contrary, aware that items of clothing cannot move of their own accord… ;) As there are a number of vests in the show, I have chosen to voice their lead representative. ;)**_

**An Interview with… the Vest**

Any unconventional TV crime-solver worth his salt has an iconic outfit to match. Clothing ex-conman Patrick Jane in The Mentalist, the Vest soon sent audience temperatures rocketing in all its colours and styles – peeking modestly from under lead actor Simon Baker's jacket, or boldly jacketless paired with rolled-up sleeves. We speak to this sartorial legend to find out whether the clothes really do make the man.

**Interviewer: **We were told that the decision to remove you was for creative reasons.

**Vest: **(sullen) I told my agent I didn't want to talk about that.

**Interviewer: **Um, ok, sure. Let's go back to a happier time. So, you and your brothers spent six and a half years on the show – what do you feel you brought to it?

**Vest: **(takes deep breath)This is difficult to talk about, I'm sorry. I felt we were a visual and physical representation of the character's state of mind and personality. We were a small, but vitally important (not to mention extremely elegant) piece in reflecting this symbolism.

**Interviewer: **I underst—

**Vest: **(breaking in) We were HUGE. We made that character what he is! When you think of Patrick Jane, you think of us. The vests!

**Interviewer: **Mm-hm, I totally see—

**Vest: **(bitter, muttering) Should never have gotten rid of us.

**Interview: **I think the fan base would definitely agree with you there.

**Vest: **(gesticulates wildly; button flies off) That's because they understand. They have sense. You know, don't you, that the popularity of vests [waistcoats] has SOARED since 2008? It's something I like to call "The Jane and His Vest Effect".

**Interview: **(Well-meaningly) Very true. You definitely won't be out of work for long.

**Vest: **(glares)

**Interviewer: **Um. Do you miss Simon?

**Vest: **I think the question should be "Does Simon miss us?"

**Interviewer: **(pause) Does he?

**Vest: **I prefer not to answer that. You can make up your own mind.

**Interviewer: **Right. Let's just—

**Vest: **We fit hand-in-glove, chest-in-VEST, if you will, is all I'm saying.

**Interviewer: **I'm sure you do. I just have one—

**Vest: **(bursts into tears)

**Interviewer: **(horrified)

**Vest: **(removes hankie from striped breast pocket) This has been an incredibly painful time for us.

**Interviewer: **(soothingly) Of course, of course. But you never know: perhaps you'll be back next year…? I'm sure the fans would love it.

**Vest: **They said there might be an opportunity for a guest appearance in Season 7. To be honest, I'm not sure I want to. I don't think I'm over this yet.

**Interviewer**: (at a loss). Well, alrighty then. Thank you for talking to us. We wish you the best of luck.

**Vest**: (inaudible mumbling about "nothing but jumped-up Hawaiian shirts")


	3. Chapter 3: An Interview with Voltron

**I've been lacking inspiration recently (couple of half-written drafts on Jane's shoes and the tea cup that aren't really working), hence the late delivery of this next chapter. And yes, I did briefly look up Voltron on YouTube and Wikipedia for "authenticity", ahahaha! (Much to amusement of other half, who walked in on my "research".) Hope you enjoy it. **

**An Interview with… the Voltron Robot**

Making a scene-stealing one-time appearance in Season 6's "Black Helicopters" alongside the fabulous Rockmond Dunbar as FBI Agent Dennis Abbot, the Voltron Robot played a small but crucial role in the character development of Jane's newest hard-nut chief. We certainly hope that he'll be back very soon to help us explore more of Abbot's inner child.

**Interviewer: **Greetings, Voltron. Delighted to meet you.

**Voltron Robot: **I. Am. A. Mighty. Robot.

**Interviewer: **[nodding] Yes.

**Voltron Robot: **The. Defender. Of the. Universe.

**Interviewer: **[pause, disconcerted] Yes, that's, uh, very commendable.

**Voltron Robot: **From. An. Uncharted. Region. Of. The. Galaxy.

**Interviewer: **[wondering how best to continue] Mm, so I understand... You-

**Voltron Robot: **I. Am. Loved. By. Good. And. Feared. By. Evil.

**Interviewer: **[grasping at link] Yes! That's right! In many ways, then, you reflect Agent Abbot's position in the FBI. He's incredibly tough on criminals, but has a good heart, wouldn't you say? His staff hold him in high regard, for instance. And of course Jane understands this perfectly – we're seeing some marvellous mutual respect growing between the two of them.

**Voltron Robot: **We. Are. Specially. Trained. And. Sent By. The. Alliance.

**Interviewer: **[slightly irritated] The Alliance being the FBI, I would imagine.

**Voltron Robot: **To. Maintain. Peace Throughout. The. Universe.

**Interviewer: **[increasingly impatient] Yes, I see the parallel.

**Voltron Robot: **[motionless]

**Interviewer: **[tapping pencil]

**Voltron Robot: **[motionless]

**Interviewer: **[suddenly inspired] Ok, wait: _Keys set! Mega-thrusters are go! Let's go Voltron Force!_

**Voltron Robot: **[frenzy of mechanical activity]

**Interviewer: **[agape]

**Voltron Robot: **[activity stops]

**Interviewer: **Voltron…?

**Voltron Robot: **[crosses arms in martial arts style and punches out small plastic fist] Voltron. READY!

**Interviewer: **[in relief] Thank god for that. So, Voltron, tell me: what's _your_ take on Abbot's relationship with Jane in Season 6? Do you agree with the fans that he's a secret shipper? How do you view the new FBI team?

**Voltron Robot: **We. Are. Voltron. Force.

**Interviewer: **[resigned, after a pause] So, will you be coming back in Season 7, do you think?

**Voltron Robot: **[raises lightning sword]

**Interviewer: **I'll take that as a 'yes'.

**Voltron Robot: **[jaunty theme tune squeaks tinnily from back of his head.]

**Interviewer: **[uncertainly] Indeed. May, uh, the Force be with you.

**Oh yes, disclaimer: I don't own The Mentalist or any of the Voltron stuff. That would be hilarious. (Sorry to any Voltron fans: sure to have got plenty wrong!)**


	4. Chapter 4: An Interview with the Tea Cup

**An Interview with the Tea Cup**

For five and a half years, they were practically inseparable in CBS crime drama _The Mentalist_: Patrick Jane and his blue Tea Cup. But in Season 6, things came to a violent and _shattering_ end.

**Interviewer: **Tea Cup, it is great to see you back in season 7! We thought you were a goner. Tell us about your incredible resurrection.

**Tea Cup: **[clinks proudly] Thank you! All credit goes to the amazing sleight of hand by the crew. By which I mean it was the stunt cup that got smashed to smithereens. I just bided my time in the wings till the plot called for some symbolism. Got myself re-varnished, that sort of thing.

**Interviewer: **Gosh, so how's the stunt cup? That was some pretty hefty destruction there.

**Tea Cup:** [evasively] We-ell, you know, it's the nature of the job. What can I say; he's committed. He's been in intensive crockery care following several efforts to get a handle on things. [jokes weakly] I mean, those potters - they're no Lisbon. [changes subject] Yeah, no, but he's good; he's doing well. He leaks a bit. [makes 'what can ya do' gesture]

**Interviewer: **[awkwardly] Please send him our best. Talking of symbolism, you came to be a very emblematic feature in the show.

**Tea Cup: **[nods sagely]

**Interviewer: **It was an incredibly moving moment when Lisbon gives Jane his repaired cup.

**Tea Cup: **Oh, absolutely! I thought I might accidentally bounce out of Simon's hands, I was so full of emotional energy. [musingly] That would've been a disaster. Anyway, I had to look authentically repaired; I even got a hairline fracture put in my saucer otherwise it would all look a little tooooo perfect, if you know what I mean. [demonstrates barely visible crack on base] The things we do for our craft, eh?

**Interviewer: **Indeed - I heard you got your break in a PG Tips advert being manhandled by a chimpanzee.

**Tea Cup: **The less said about that the better. I'd like to remind you at this point that I'm a classically trained tea cup.

**Interviewer: **What else can you tell us about working on set?

**Tea Cup: **Well, Simon and I have worked in close proximity for many years. One has to be absolutely scrupulous about personal hygiene.

**Interviewer: **... I think I was talking more in general?

**Tea Cup: **[nods sagely] Of course.

**Interviewer: **So... [clears throat] any other secrets you can tell us?

**Tea Cup: **[leans forward conspiratorially] _"Tea is a hug in a cup."_

**Interviewer: **[bewildered] Is that like a secret password, or... ?

**Tea Cup: **That was my line. I came up with that. Don't tell anyone; it's better that way.

**Interviewer:** You mean other than all the people reading this? Cross my heart. Anyway, what I really wanted to know is: is Simon secretly a coffee drinker?

**Tea Cup: **Oh heavens, no. He's an Aussie. It's got to be builders' brew for him. Also, he'd never drink out of a paper cup. [mutters under breath] Philistines.

**Interviewer: **I like a nice cuppa too, I have to say.

**Tea Cup: **Myself, I prefer a spot of Earl Grey.

**Interviewer: **You seem a cheerful china sort. Is there anything that puts a tempest in your teapot, so to speak?

**Tea Cup: **[emphatically] Tannins. Don't get me started. They stain you something rotten. You need a good soak, preferably in a mild and environmentally-friendly detergent. That smells of orange blossom. [Goes off on one] My god, and I remember the time someone dared to dunk a biscuit when I was full of steaming Oolong and just about ready for my scene, and half of it fell in. I was so *%^S*!+ angry. Just drink out of a MUG, why don't you.

**Interviewer: **[glancing around anxiously] And I think we're out of time. Tea Cup, we wish you many more happy days of Lapsang Souchong.

_I wasn't quite 'feeling' this one, but I had to let it go! The PG Tips advert with chimps was a real thing in 1970s/80s Britain - not sure if that cultural reference will make it across the globe, but there you go. ;) I don't own The Mentalist, the tea cup, or the PG Tips stuff. Many thanks to all those reading/reviewing for their encouragement and kind words (and 'great minds' to the guest reader who also suggested the stunt double!)._


End file.
